I’ve been lost all my life. I’ve never known who or what I wanted to be and as ridiculously cliche as it sounds, I’ve been my own worst enemy all my life. No one has ever judged me harder and no one has probably hated me more than myself.
Daily battles in front of the mirror, battles with myself and the things I do, the things I’ve been through, the things I think and feel. I was so mad at myself for not knowing what I wanted, I was constantly putting myself down for the way I look, think, and act.
Can you imagine spending 10+ years hating the way you look? Spending every waking moment of your life wishing you were someone else. Imagine spending hours crying in front of the mirror or working out excessively to get an ideal body that just isn’t possible. What about never thinking you’re good enough, smart enough, a loser with no talent, no passion, no motivation. That was me, less than a year ago.
Now imagine finding something you love, something you’re passionate about, and as dramatic as it sounds, something that can save you. That’s what blogging has done for me. That’s what writing has done for me. I finally found something I love, and although I may not necessarily be the best at it, I’m finally fucking happy. I have a place to go whenever I’m feeling down on myself, where I can be myself, where I can be as bubbly or creative or even as raw and real as I want to be. Regardless of if anyone reads it, regardless of whether anyone likes the stuff I put out there, I do it for myself.
This silly little blog has brought me so much confidence, and not just the kind of confidence that’s found in looks only, but confidence in myself as a whole. I’m smarter than I ever gave myself credit for. I’m more ambitious than I ever thought.
Falling in love with the world of beauty and makeup has taught me how to take care of my appearance, which to me is a version of self-care and love. I learned to love myself for the way I look, which is far from perfect, and to take care of it, to embrace it. Every time I put my makeup on, every time I take care of my skin, I’m showing myself love, love that has been needed to be shown to me for the 23 years I’ve been alive but never was. Self-love, something that’s been absent from my life up until now.
Obviously blogging isn’t for everyone, but the point of me saying this is that there is something out there for you. Call it your “calling” or your “passion”, whatever it is, it’s out there and once you find it, the relief that will wash over you, and the happiness and fullness you will feel will, and I promise you, be the best feeling in the world. You can’t feel it though until you’re ready to go after it. It won’t just come to you, nothing ever just comes to you. You need to work for it, push yourself for it.
First and foremost, you can’t live your life afraid of the unknown. You need to put yourself out there, you need to be constantly challenging yourself. You need to be ready to try new things, things you never thought you’d like.
You need to get hurt, you need to get knocked down, you need to feel pain, you need to deal with disappointments and hardships, and you need to feel every emotion imaginable. Just don’t forget to get back up, get out there, and keep pushing forward.
Take the leap, embrace the fall, and all that shit.
You can’t live your life afraid of what people might think. People aren’t always going to like what you do, and they might not ever even like you. That’s okay though, you can’t be everybody’s favorite person, so just focus on being your own. Focus on bettering yourself and your life, focus on making yourself happy.
The most important thing though is, you need to be okay with change. You will change throughout life, and it will probably be scary at first, but just embrace the fuck out of that change. I was so afraid of change for the longest time, even the smallest changes would throw me off, but believe me when I say, change can be one of the most beautiful things that will happen to you.
I personally, would like to view the years I’m living right now as the climax of my own story, and all I can say is, I want a freakin awesome one, and if that means facing my own fear of change, my fear of being judged, my fear of never being good enough, then fuck it, challenge accepted.
And thank you so much for your support and love. I am forever grateful for anyone who reads my blog and I just want to say, thank you. I love you.
This is so wonderful. I am so happy you found your passion. I wholeheartedly agree that we all need to be open to change. I've been going through some of my own changes lately and may blog about it soon myself once work settles down. Life is a total constant journey. We are all so hard on ourselves and definitely need to recognize we are so worthy of love and care! Glad you found that out for yourself! Love how raw this blog post is. Keep slayin! Xx Jen
Alexandra Quinlan says
Thanks so much Jen! <3
Webb of Learning says
Love this post. This time of our lives is so unique, specially in the year 2019! We need to take advantage of every opportunity that we have.